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if god had wanted two dogs to email each other, he would have given the dogs fingers, and blessed them with higher reason that they might learn to read. he’d have created a computer that dogs could use, and he would have called it the BarkTel 900. it would have a power cord that looked like a string of sausages, and all the keys would be shaped like little bones. but he didn’t, and that is why the religious right spent billions of dollars to suppress the special “all-dog cut” of You’ve Got Mail

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i love thinking to myself "ok now. now i MUST do some work" then regaining consciousness 45 minutes later to find myself typing "im injecting soviet truth serum into my balls" in this website box

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me: working from home gives me the opportunity to focus on tasks free from the the distractions of a noisy office!

brain:

TROUT

TROUT

LET IT ALL OUT

THESE ARE THE FISH I CAN DO WITHOUT

SALMON

I’M TALKING TO YOU

SALMON

me: cool never mind

rugby man: this orb, this bollock, this cursèd ègg. no matter how i yeet it or holding bear it off the field it returns and returns to torment me ever. ten strongest lads of my country cannot help me be rid of it. and the language barrier prevents my opponents from coordinating with me in this goal.
opposing rugby man: (is thinking the same thing)

they say that the one who goes to work on an egg, will return from work on a chicken. wow! that's so wise

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I don't have a starsign cos I was born during the day

@pisscotheque me ordering a sausage at the enterprise replicator

actually im already quite sleepy, might leave the puss smashing till tomorrow

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pleased to announce that i am twice vaccinated, even more autistic than before, and ready to smash puss!!

#fediblock TERF 

looks like mastodon dot online isn't gonna put in the moderation work, so heads up: @/redgreenlibre @ mastodon dot online is a TERF posting TERF shit and you should block them

hate when i labor day and night over the port bow and, after 72 hours of herculean labor as the men mill about behind me anxiously, I pull a flashing marlin from the sea as easily as a weed from the ground, from flower to root

a racist? AND he owns "the best of keane"??? 😍😍😍

it’s fucked up that they made the cats from cats deliver a pitch to decide which one of them would get to die. i think they should all have been allowed to die

hope my grandchildren are looking forward to inheriting all my stickers that were "too nice" to put on anything

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this godforsaken website

godforsaken.website is a uk-based mastodon instance boasting literally thousands of posts about bumholes and UNESCO world heritage sites