simon shawarma @pisscotheque@godforsaken.website

morning everyone, rise and grond

i love thinking to myself "ok now. now i MUST do some work" then regaining consciousness 45 minutes later to find myself typing "im injecting soviet truth serum into my balls" in this website box

fuck off calling your book "eleanor oliphant is completely fine" twee curly license-free font horseshit. radio 4 book club dick ass. call your book "Pussy Popping At The Homicide Casino" or i am not reading it

if god had wanted two dogs to email each other, he would have given the dogs fingers, and blessed them with higher reason that they might learn to read. he’d have created a computer that dogs could use, and he would have called it the BarkTel 900. it would have a power cord that looked like a string of sausages, and all the keys would be shaped like little bones. but he didn’t, and that is why the religious right spent billions of dollars to suppress the special “all-dog cut” of You’ve Got Mail

me: working from home gives me the opportunity to focus on tasks free from the the distractions of a noisy office!

brain:

TROUT

TROUT

LET IT ALL OUT

THESE ARE THE FISH I CAN DO WITHOUT

SALMON

I’M TALKING TO YOU

SALMON

me: cool never mind

once again, i am asking to have been born literally anywhere else

there's so many weird compilations in his vinyl collection that he's like "ah yes i bought that after i heard track 17 at a club in portugal"

still blows my dam mind that when my dad was a young man if he wanted to hear a song he liked at a time of his choosing he had to go to woolworths and throw down £20 on an album he may or may not have enjoyed

im the ceo of farting

i have been isekai’d into the old peoples home