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i love thinking to myself "ok now. now i MUST do some work" then regaining consciousness 45 minutes later to find myself typing "im injecting soviet truth serum into my balls" in this website box

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fuck off calling your book "eleanor oliphant is completely fine" twee curly license-free font horseshit. radio 4 book club dick ass. call your book "Pussy Popping At The Homicide Casino" or i am not reading it

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if god had wanted two dogs to email each other, he would have given the dogs fingers, and blessed them with higher reason that they might learn to read. he’d have created a computer that dogs could use, and he would have called it the BarkTel 900. it would have a power cord that looked like a string of sausages, and all the keys would be shaped like little bones. but he didn’t, and that is why the religious right spent billions of dollars to suppress the special “all-dog cut” of You’ve Got Mail

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me: working from home gives me the opportunity to focus on tasks free from the the distractions of a noisy office!









me: cool never mind

my Zones are getting cranked with a giant wrench and tools like the cogs inside a cathedral bell tower

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Enemies are watching my account with binoculars, desperately looking for a sign of my downfall. meanwhile I am getting my bits wound up like a mechanical clock.

i know i'm going to be ok during the winter fuel crisis because i will have this laptop to heat my whole home

it was the perfect temperature to sleep until 0.1 minutes ago when i tried to go to sleep. then it was too hot for that

national geographic presents the cum faces of Britain’s most endangered animals

@pisscotheque need to rotate my piss to ensure a full harvest

DROUGHT hits the nation. the sewers of london have run dry as the phenomenon known as “ghost pissing” sweeps the populace. this worrying trend leaves the rats with nothing to surfboard around on. please give generously

throwing my phone into the big tank at sea world so i don’t have to hear about any more Concepts or Phenomena

oh great.. the hot air balloon company are moving town. i guess this is my last opportunity to stock up on 'condoms' my size..

ive been to the year 3000
not much has changed, but they have this new type of bug that comes into your house, and at night they just scream this long, terrible, inhuman scream. it's so loud. and if you squash them or anything they release a pheromone that summons more bugs and they all come to your house and scream. best thing to do if you find one is just let it scream. they stop after an hour or two. they call them 'dread bugs'. otherwise they're harmless. and your great great great granddaug

when a sea captain is down bad, he’ll drink 4 grogs and post “all aboard the salty susan” at 1:31am

@snakeboy pogging out of my gourd when i see low sea levels during a glacial maximum have created an isthmus between two continents. you bet im crossing the SHIT out of that!!

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this godforsaken website is a uk-based mastodon instance boasting literally thousands of posts about bumholes and UNESCO world heritage sites