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i love thinking to myself "ok now. now i MUST do some work" then regaining consciousness 45 minutes later to find myself typing "im injecting soviet truth serum into my balls" in this website box

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fuck off calling your book "eleanor oliphant is completely fine" twee curly license-free font horseshit. radio 4 book club dick ass. call your book "Pussy Popping At The Homicide Casino" or i am not reading it

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if god had wanted two dogs to email each other, he would have given the dogs fingers, and blessed them with higher reason that they might learn to read. he’d have created a computer that dogs could use, and he would have called it the BarkTel 900. it would have a power cord that looked like a string of sausages, and all the keys would be shaped like little bones. but he didn’t, and that is why the religious right spent billions of dollars to suppress the special “all-dog cut” of You’ve Got Mail

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me: working from home gives me the opportunity to focus on tasks free from the the distractions of a noisy office!

brain:

TROUT

TROUT

LET IT ALL OUT

THESE ARE THE FISH I CAN DO WITHOUT

SALMON

I’M TALKING TO YOU

SALMON

me: cool never mind

Boobies, massive fucking tiddies, super stuffed up milkies, honker donker doinky boinkies, Fucking fabric stretching wind flapping gravity welling sex mounds, super duper ultra god damn motherfucking tits room is open for business.

My favourite "fuck around and find out" is probably Victoria Gillick who tried to prevent her daughter getting access to contraception and ended up becoming the definition of women's bodily autonomy in the UK for the last 36 years. She's still alive and angry, ha ha ha.

every stones song is just a rock solid beat, two power chords, mick jagger says "I'm hungry for your sugar baby. I start screaming like a walrus when I catch a sniff of your pits. Oh yeah! california forever" greatest band of all time

🎵 Blasting rocks with my -hot cum! 🎵

🎵 I fought the law and the -law won! 🎵

echolalia is simply your brain and mouth liking and subscribing

hey babe, are you dishwasher safe in limited circumstances? because i'm seeing "top rack only"

we may envy the wealthy occupants of downtown abbey their life of luxury and excess, but we should always remember that despite their almost limitless means, they still couldn’t buy horse oxytocin on the internet and inject it into their bellends like we can today

it is YOU who have miscalculated sir. you only appear more ridiculous the longer you continue this insolent display of braggadocio

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don’t you know who i am?? i am a fucking adult i can tear this shitty box to shreds like a wild animal using my powerful fully coordinated hands and complete set of adult teeth. you have no idea who you’re dealing with

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this godforsaken website

godforsaken.website is a uk-based mastodon instance boasting literally thousands of posts about bumholes and UNESCO world heritage sites