beatrix poggers @pisscotheque@godforsaken.website

morning everyone, rise and grond

i love thinking to myself "ok now. now i MUST do some work" then regaining consciousness 45 minutes later to find myself typing "im injecting soviet truth serum into my balls" in this website box

fuck off calling your book "eleanor oliphant is completely fine" twee curly license-free font horseshit. radio 4 book club dick ass. call your book "Pussy Popping At The Homicide Casino" or i am not reading it

if god had wanted two dogs to email each other, he would have given the dogs fingers, and blessed them with higher reason that they might learn to read. he’d have created a computer that dogs could use, and he would have called it the BarkTel 900. it would have a power cord that looked like a string of sausages, and all the keys would be shaped like little bones. but he didn’t, and that is why the religious right spent billions of dollars to suppress the special “all-dog cut” of You’ve Got Mail

me: working from home gives me the opportunity to focus on tasks free from the the distractions of a noisy office!

brain:

TROUT

TROUT

LET IT ALL OUT

THESE ARE THE FISH I CAN DO WITHOUT

SALMON

I’M TALKING TO YOU

SALMON

me: cool never mind

i know i'm going to be ok during the winter fuel crisis because i will have this laptop to heat my whole home

national geographic presents the cum faces of Britain’s most endangered animals

DROUGHT hits the nation. the sewers of london have run dry as the phenomenon known as “ghost pissing” sweeps the populace. this worrying trend leaves the rats with nothing to surfboard around on. please give generously

throwing my phone into the big tank at sea world so i don’t have to hear about any more Concepts or Phenomena

when a sea captain is down bad, he’ll drink 4 grogs and post “all aboard the salty susan” at 1:31am