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i love thinking to myself "ok now. now i MUST do some work" then regaining consciousness 45 minutes later to find myself typing "im injecting soviet truth serum into my balls" in this website box

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fuck off calling your book "eleanor oliphant is completely fine" twee curly license-free font horseshit. radio 4 book club dick ass. call your book "Pussy Popping At The Homicide Casino" or i am not reading it

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if god had wanted two dogs to email each other, he would have given the dogs fingers, and blessed them with higher reason that they might learn to read. he’d have created a computer that dogs could use, and he would have called it the BarkTel 900. it would have a power cord that looked like a string of sausages, and all the keys would be shaped like little bones. but he didn’t, and that is why the religious right spent billions of dollars to suppress the special “all-dog cut” of You’ve Got Mail

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me: working from home gives me the opportunity to focus on tasks free from the the distractions of a noisy office!

brain:

TROUT

TROUT

LET IT ALL OUT

THESE ARE THE FISH I CAN DO WITHOUT

SALMON

I’M TALKING TO YOU

SALMON

me: cool never mind

putting myself in an unenviable and uncomfortable position

a guy going fishing and catching an old boot, something you don't see so much these days

genitalia 

@pisscotheque like a craven maggot you sit at your computer howling in despair at my posts as though you never once had the opportunity to strike my glowing weak points and end my life in person. pathetic.

i can see some of the text on those mfs now, not to brag but im just on a different level to you people

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down to 30 open tabs and feeling unburdened, zenlike, immaculate

Choose, Neo. You either go back to your life as a poor little meow meow, or you stay, and I show you just how to swallow these things without a glass of water

genitalia 

vagina dentata? oh you mean gash gnashers?

good art makes you uncomfortable, and great art jerks you off. if you dont like that, it says more about you than me

(reinventing the wheel) damn this fucks!! weird how noöne has invented it before

I understand. You found paradise in America, had a good fish, made a good living. The killer whales protected you; and there were courts of shore. And you didn't need a friend of me. But uh, now you come to me and you say -- "Don Sealeone give me justice." -- But you don't ask with respect. You don't offer tummy scratches. You don't even think to call me Rotundfather. Instead, you come into my house on the day my equally adorable daughter is to be married, and you uh ask me to do sea-murder, for ocean-money.

spaghetti shortener.
for when a the spaghetti too long.

the human vagina has remained largely the same for at least 150 years

i think this website should show "x is typing" notifications for everybody who is currently drafting a post. i think that would alter the user experience

socialist chess where the pawns can go backwards and destroy the big pieces on their own side

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this godforsaken website

godforsaken.website is a uk-based mastodon instance boasting literally thousands of posts about bumholes and UNESCO world heritage sites