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i love thinking to myself "ok now. now i MUST do some work" then regaining consciousness 45 minutes later to find myself typing "im injecting soviet truth serum into my balls" in this website box

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fuck off calling your book "eleanor oliphant is completely fine" twee curly license-free font horseshit. radio 4 book club dick ass. call your book "Pussy Popping At The Homicide Casino" or i am not reading it

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if god had wanted two dogs to email each other, he would have given the dogs fingers, and blessed them with higher reason that they might learn to read. he’d have created a computer that dogs could use, and he would have called it the BarkTel 900. it would have a power cord that looked like a string of sausages, and all the keys would be shaped like little bones. but he didn’t, and that is why the religious right spent billions of dollars to suppress the special “all-dog cut” of You’ve Got Mail

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me: working from home gives me the opportunity to focus on tasks free from the the distractions of a noisy office!

brain:

TROUT

TROUT

LET IT ALL OUT

THESE ARE THE FISH I CAN DO WITHOUT

SALMON

I’M TALKING TO YOU

SALMON

me: cool never mind

Ducks! I've been through the desert in a cow carriage!

my banned book speech. suicide, emotional abuse, physical harm 

Here it is. Hope it shows up in order for you

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@pisscotheque goats are my favorite animal because theyre built exactly like a coffee table. you could drop a phone book on a goats back and they wouldnt move an inch

a lot of animals are like this actually and that’s funny too. sorry you don’t have any appendages to reach out with. enjoy being a table-shaped little torso shuffling around down there. watch out i don’t put a drink on you

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oh yes you can pat a toy with your front leg for sure. but try to do more than that my lad and you’ll fall down. the trunk requires perpetual support

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one of the things that is so captivating to me about cats is that they don’t have any arms they can use for arm things. they are just a little sausage with a face on top of some legs moving about down there

got my first nut watching that rat ass go wild in wii ratatouille

Genitals 

My keyboard and I have a lot in common (we both surprise people by having a knob)

yeah I'm an egg (infertile and in the grocery store)

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yeah I'm an egg (expiring in a cardboard box)

kittens update! they're already starting to eat, getting curious exploring and playing! last pic has kitty ec

a lot of these right wing weaklings talk about covid vax side effects (losers), but as someone who's been vaxxed and boosted, i've never felt more powerful and angry

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this godforsaken website

godforsaken.website is a uk-based mastodon instance boasting literally thousands of posts about bumholes and UNESCO world heritage sites