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what's your most "and then everyone clapped" fake tumblr story sounding thing that actually happened to you

I don't think I have one but one time a seagull dropped a stone on my cousin as she was walking along the beach and when she bent down to pick it up it had the word BUM written on it

@bryn comparatively boring but i was attacked by a crow. or maybe it was trying to mate with my hair, idk.

@grant I remember you telling me about this LMAO. didn't you say it happened twice??

@bryn yep. to this day i do not know what that crow's deal was.

@bryn i’ll get back to you on this one but i’ve got plenty

@bryn My mom once saw a magpie drop a piece of paper in the garden that said "goulash, lots of meat, little sauce" on it

@bryn I saw mcmansionhell present in person at my alma mater when the historic prez society hosted them and when I asked their opinion of the ugliest newest building on campus Everybody Clapped IRL. it was surreal

@bryn one time I got arrested and some cop on the scene lost his keys and then when someone found them, they put them in my effects when the let me out thinking they were mine. So now I have a handcuff key and a gun locker key hanging on my wall.

@bryn it was especially funny bc while I was in my cell a couple of cops walked by and I could hear them talking through the door about how "there really should be a spot on your holster for your keys"

@bryn oh and I forgot to mention that I had a bike lock around my neck when we were still on scene and they tried to use those keys on my bike lock not knowing they were some other cops keys lmao

@schratze right? I didnt realise what had happened at first until I got outside and asked my friends who's keys they were, and then our eyes went wide and we cackled as we all figured it out at the same time

@itchystitchies that's amazing.

I hung out with a bunch of punks under a bridge one night, and eventually someone complained about noise so the cops came and took everyone's ID. Everyone except mine. They somehow forgot. I had to shush my buddy though because he almost blurted it out while they were still within hearing distance

@bryn @itchystitchies oh and that one time they stopped me in traffic and wanted to test me for drugs. So they told me to close my eyes and count thirty seconds. Which was when they realized they didn't have a watch around to check the time.
So I gave them my watch and I landed at 28 seconds and they finally left me alone

@schratze @bryn I've never heard of that drug testing method, thats a weird one

@itchystitchies @bryn it appears to be common practice in this country. It has the added bonus of fucking with people who are more nervous than average in encounters with cops

@schratze @bryn yeah, I can imagine. I've never had anything other than my pupils looked at when questioned if I was high.

@bryn in high school i forgot the sat was coming up so i made added instant coffee to my thermos of coffee and brought it with me to the exam and scored 97th percentile

@bryn one time on a night out we walked past two guys in the street and one of them threw a slice of pizza at my friend’s leg, so I turned and walk back to challenge him, everyone else joined me, and they ended up apologising and the guy’s pal gave us a tenner to go away and stop menacing them

@bryn mine is probably the day I accidentally stumbled into doing the entire first day of a nursing degree because I walked into the wrong room and rolled with it when they said "free lunch" and had nothing better to do. I got best in class on the group activity at the end and was never seen again

@bryn i went to a gallery talk/performance thing by Momus, who was talking through a speaking trumpet he'd made out of a rolled up cone of cardboard. at the end of the talk he was like "anyone want this?" and i said yeah and he gave it to me and i put it on my head like a hat and he looked genuinely impressed and said to the crowd: "a dunce's hat! this man is a genius"

@bryn oh geez let's see. there's the time i put out a cigarette on a dude's face and between that and my friend with the butterfly knife it intimidated his fratboy friends into removing their pissed-upon phonebook from my porch, apologizing, and leaving peacefully

@bryn then there's the time i broke up a knife fight between gutter punks and one of those silver statue guys in the french quarter by telling them "we're all too pretty to go to jail tonight"

mh, sui 

@bryn or the time a man was having a mental break during mardi gras staring down cars in an intersection, daring them to hit him, and i talked him down and walked him back to his hotel, then caught him trying to sneak up to the hotel roof as i was leaving, talked him down again, and prayed with him until he went to sleep

didn't see anything about him in the paper the next day so i guess he made it through the night at least

@bryn i once stopped a guy from starting a fight at my work and when he argued with me i opened up the garage door behind him and said "this is not a negotiation. you're leaving. now." he walked out to find the boys from the bar next door with their arms crossed, just waiting for him to try it

@PhoebeWallerPalladino @bryn Triz I think you might just be cool as shit and charismatic as all hell

@bryn wait wait real answer:

one time at the bar there were a bunch of Marines, and one of them was trying to tell the others that I was a [T-slur], and I got fed up and came up to him like "you shouldn't talk so loud or somebody might question *your* dick. this your first time seeing a [T-slur] outside of porn?" and stormed out of the bar. well, barely two minutes later, all of the Marines come out and one of them says to me "hey listen, I didn't catch what he was saying about him but we're sorry for whatever it was" and the other people in the bar come out and invite me to another bar, where they tell me that the owners kicked the Marines out on my behalf

@PhoebeWallerPalladino @bryn I only thought about this because of your anecdote about putting a cigarette out on somebody's face… you're an inspiration

@bryn went to teatro colón and while we were waiting for the show to start someone started singing "mauricio macri la puta que te parió" (iconic song against the president at the time) and immediately all 7 stories were singing it too in this highly acoustic place, i was in the cheap seats at the very top so i could see everyone going nuts. And then everyone literally clapped

@bryn at school it was one of those days where its cold in the morning and blazing hot by lunch and i saw this white kid take off his sweater and have on this shirt that was the beatles walking across the road except it was a slur instead of the band name. so i walked up and made him take it off and throw it in the trash then threw the rest of my opened gatorade into the trash can after it.

@bryn kissed a guy who ended up in a kinda successful band at one of their first gigs haha

@bryn When me and my little sister were younger I came home from school one day and found her crying on the sidewalk. I asked her what was wrong and she said her two friends (there was three of them and they did this catty shit to eachother all the time) told her to go away and leave them alone, didn't like her anymore. So I went home, filled up my super soaker, walked into her friends backyard and soaked the two of them in their little club house until I ran out of water.

@bryn some dude in the pharmacy was yelling at the pharmacist & trying to get behind the counter & calling him 'boy' (yep) and everyone was just kinda avoiding eye contact so i stepped in and went like "i don't think that's very acceptable behaviour, do u?" and he got rly flustered because this short fat pleasant-faced white girl was telling him off lmao. anyway he ended up leaving and other customers told me they were glad i spoke up

@bryn another time i was hangin out after a comicon and some dude groped my friend's ass, so i got in his face and he and his friends fucking legged it lmao. my friends were like 'dude how did u get So scary in .01 of a second, what the fuck'

@bryn made out with both members of an engaged straight couple at a gay club within minutes of each other only for one of them to then catch me with the other in the bathroom which culminated in a loud and violent breakup after which I blacked out and woke up in the middle of the street several miles away in -8°C weather wearing not much more than a tank top

@bryn That one time I made an astronaut very socially uncomfortable I guess?

Other than that, a woman once came up to me at a bus stop and gave me a very angry speech about how she's tired of being insulted for being vegetarian

I had not said a damn thing to her, but afterwards I realised there were some laughing teenagers behind me, so maybe I was in someone else's tumblr story?

I embarrased myself in front of an astronaut, alc, food, social blunder 

@bryn So I was at ESTEC (large ESA centre in the Netherlands), which has a bar (subsidised beer for ESA employers). They also sold cheese sticks.

Several amstels after arriving, I was in a conversation with a group of people, and a man thanked me for giving him cheese sticks. I had not given him cheese sticks, and I apologised for not being his benefactor. He said he took back his thanks, I said I was crushed, apparently that does not translate well into German. People just left the circle, repelled by the awkwardness. Immediately after, I was informed that this was Alexander Gerst, and he was headed back to space in a few months.

A few beers later, I bought some cheese sticks, and then presented them to him with the statement "Time is a flat circle". He took one very nervously.

Outside, I saw him and the woman he was with when I left. They saw me and left quickly.

I embarrased myself in front of an astronaut, alc, food, social blunder 

@RedFuture LMAO oops!!! I always enjoy a good translation error

@bryn I was once in line for a Bolt Bus in NYC & a guy was yelling at the driver that it's "unbelievable" he couldn't get on the bus (which was going to be full) when he had a ticket for the previous bus but missed it

The bus driver just kept saying "you'll have to call the company"

After more yelling this guy noticed us all staring at him & said "can you believe this?" & a young guy at the front said perfectly, "do you think we're on your side?", we all laughed, & he walked away in a huff

@Louisa that's a classic and then everyone clapped lmao, nice one

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